belonging

I'm supposed to be writing a sermon for a baccalaureate service we are having at our church tomorrow night to celebrate our high school graduates. Don't worry. I'll get it finished. But as I'm thinking about what to say to young people who are getting ready to cross a threshold in our community and culture, I'm also processing words that were recently spoken at a college graduation at a private Catholic university. 

Here's the thing. Harrison Butker is a phenomenal football kicker. Last year he missed two field goals the entire season. He was responsible for the Chiefs making it to overtime in the Super Bowl, setting a Super Bowl record for the longest field goal ever made. Without his work, the Chiefs would not have won the Super Bowl, but they also probably wouldn't have made it to the Super Bowl. Harrison is really good at his job, and as a Chiefs fan, I both respect and admire his work. I'm really glad he plays for the Chiefs.

I don't know all the ins and outs of what lead to him giving a commencement speech at a private Catholic university, and honestly, 20 years ago, this would not be news. The easy access of social media and the internet has made it easy for information to spread rapidly. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. This easy access and easy sharing of sound bites has made it so that those sound bites spread like wildfire. 

I am not surprised by what Harrison Butker said during his commencement speech. I grew up hearing remarkably similar messages. I thought for a long time that the highest calling a woman could have was to be a wife and mother. I desired those titles deeply. 

And then I graduated college without a marriage prospect in sight. I still have many dear, lovely friends who are single. I reached the point where I determined that I would likely be single, and I felt God's blessing on my life as a single person who would be able to focus on service to God and the Kingdom of God. The Bible has a lot to say about the service and devotion that singleness can lend to those who follow after God. Then I met the best person I have ever known, and he liked me. 

As we decided to walk through life together, we found we loved each other and decided to make vows to God and our community to serve God together as a married couple. What a blessing our marriage has been. It has not been easy. It has required us to grow and change and give and sacrifice. I cannot express how incredibly fulfilling and challenging it has been to be married to my husband. He has made me a better person, and I hope he can say the same about me. We have walked through many difficult circumstances of life together, and I know that we have grown closer through those circumstances. 

When we first decided to try to have children, we also had a lot going on in our lives. My father-in-law was fighting cancer, and after he passed away, my husband helped take care of my mother-in-law who was disabled. As years passed with no pregnancy or baby in sight, I was forced to examine what my life would look like if I never had children. Many in our church family were witnesses to the pain I suffered during this season. I wrestled with questions about my life and my purpose. I had been taught to believe that my highest calling in life was to raise the next generation. But month after month, I found myself barren. 

I have done a disservice to many of the women I know by sharing my sorrow over infertility, but not my journey after that. You see, when I wrestled with not being able to have children, I had to take a hard look at why I was so upset, depressed, and frustrated with my situation. And one of the main reasons was because I felt like a failure because I was not able to fulfill what I had been lead to believe was my purpose as a woman. I had to take a hard look at what actually brings me fulfillment and purpose. 

When a woman is told that nothing will fulfill her except being a wife and mom and then she doesn't find a husband or can't conceive, she is reduced to less than nothing. And that is wrong. 

Woman is created in God's image just as man is. Women have a calling and a purpose in life regardless of their marital status or fertility. In the Kingdom of God, "there is no longer male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." (Gal. 3:28)

I am deeply saddened by how Genesis 1-3 is used to tell women that they are less than men. Women were created because there was no helper suitable for man. Helper, by the way, is the same word that is used for God. It is not a term of servitude or status. Woman was created to be a partner, to share in the work that God had placed before humankind. 

Many would use the story of the fall to say that woman brought sin into the world. But man fell alongside woman. Man and woman shared together the consequence and result of sin entering the world. And yet, it is women that have been held down for millennia, told that they do not truly serve a purpose in the world unless they marry to serve their husbands and procreate. 

I wasn't shocked to hear what Harrison Butker said, and he is entitled to his opinions. However, while I admire his religious devotion and his kicking abilities, I am also entitled to my opinion that he is wrong. 

A woman's highest calling isn't to be a wife and a mom. Her highest calling is to be a beloved child of God. You see a woman isn't guaranteed either title of wife or mom. There are many women who will never marry, never have children. There are many women who will marry and be widowed. There are women who lose their child or children. A woman's life and purpose don't center around her ability to either serve a man or bear his children. Just as God established in the beginning, a woman's purpose is to serve God alongside fellow human beings. A woman begins to live the day she understands that she is loved by God.

My life didn't begin the moment I met my husband. It didn't begin the moment I became a mother. My life began the moment I realized I was a beloved child of God. This is the overarching identity that guides my life and my purpose. I have many roles and titles in my life, but ultimately, the only one that matters is that I belong to God.