what if we stop havin' a ball

When you see the way things are,
all the hurt and the waste fall away,
and what's left is the beauty.
- Dr. Rosalind Franklin
(Race for the Double Helix)

mt victoria, wellington, NZ
kudos to moi

Things never seem to go quite the way that you plan for them to go. That's kind of how my retreat ended up...completely different than I planned. God showed me a lot of stuff that is in my heart and in my mind that quite frankly I don't like or want to be in there. Now I kind of feel like I'm waiting for Him to fix it.

Mostly what it comes down to is that I have a proud heart. I think I can fix myself, but I can't. I've been thinking a lot lately about grace. Probably triggered by this friend's blog on the subject. Something I've been pondering about grace is how we tend to be so proud about grace. I know that I have caught myself several times thinking: "How could God ever forgive me for this?" or "There's no way He can forgive me for this again."

That, my friends, is my proud heart speaking. Who am I to tell God what He can and cannot forgive? He alone is the One who gets to make that decision. It is not my job to judge myself. It is my job to be obedient and faithful to the One whose job it is to judge me. God has enough grace for me...if I am humble enough to accept it.

The one really great thing about my retreat is that I finally got caught up on my sleep. I must have slept for about 16 hours yesterday. I am finally feeling very physically rested and refreshed.

However, I am still somewhat of a mess mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. At least God isn't finished with me yet. I do so long for the day, though, when I will see what really is and then all the pain and waste will melt away and what will be left is the true beauty that only God is capable of crafting.

Tomorrow starts the birthday celebrations for the hippie...she's turning the magical 2-1. So excited to celebrate with her. And hopefully getting my car back sometime this weekend. And I made it through my first week of grad school. Right now I'm just taking life one day at a time.

Giving Up - Lee Ellen Starks

Peace and mercy.

Comments

  1. Hannah Elizabeth27 August, 2010

    Hey lovely! :-) You made me think with this post. I always love that.

    You know, it's just about every day that I have to remind myself that no matter what I do, bad OR good. Jesus will never think any differently of me. Never.

    So weird, cause people's action's change our emotions about them all the time. It's a hard concept to grasp. But it's true :-) And that is why I love Jesus.

    MWAH! Have a fantastic day!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yop62wQH498

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

belonging

I'm supposed to be writing a sermon for a baccalaureate service we are having at our church tomorrow night to celebrate our high school graduates. Don't worry. I'll get it finished. But as I'm thinking about what to say to young people who are getting ready to cross a threshold in our community and culture, I'm also processing words that were recently spoken at a college graduation at a private Catholic university.  Here's the thing. Harrison Butker is a phenomenal football kicker. Last year he missed two field goals the entire season. He was responsible for the Chiefs making it to overtime in the Super Bowl, setting a Super Bowl record for the longest field goal ever made. Without his work, the Chiefs would not have won the Super Bowl, but they also probably wouldn't have made it to the Super Bowl. Harrison is really good at his job, and as a Chiefs fan, I both respect and admire his work. I'm really glad he plays for the Chiefs. I don't know all th...
Read more

peace

I've thought a lot about peace this week, and all week I've tried to come up with the words to say what I feel in my soul. I am weary. My heart mourns because there is so much dissension and violence in our world. There is so little peace.  The hosts of heaven announced the arrival of the Messiah with shouts of Glory to God in the Highest and Peace on Earth. I think sometimes we forget that people during this time frame had a very different version of peace than we think of today. The shepherds who heard this announcement would have been well aware of the Pax Romana: the Peace of Rome.  You see, Rome had a great and terrible weapon to enforce their peace. You threaten the peace; you die. And not just any death, but a public, humiliating, and excruciatingly painful death. The Peace of Rome came at a great price to any who would stand in their way.  So I wonder if any of the shepherds had questions or doubts as they left their sheep and rushed off to find th...
Read more

accomplishment

You know that sense of accomplishment when it really sinks in that you actually just did whatever you did. Like the first time you tie your shoes all by yourself. Or when you ride your bike without training wheels for the first time. Or when you drive you car without your mom or dad in it. Or when you make your first flight by yourself. Or when you move to a city where nothing is familiar and start a life there. Or when you finish your last class of your undergraduate college. Yep...that's what I did about an hour ago. I finished my last college class. I have one paper and 2 finals standing between me and graduation, but I will be graduating (New Zealand here I come!!) in a week and a day. My family will be down here in a week. In a week I will have handed in my paper and finished my last final. This is the verse that has been rattling around in my exhausted brain all day: "May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and...
Read more