Something Beautiful

Change always comes with a choice. Struggle and Resistance. Or. Submission and Surrender. In a marathon there is usually what is called a do or die hill. You either do it and finish or you die on it and quit. In life, change is often that do or die hill. You either submit and surrender to change or you struggle and resist. As much as I hate change and as often as I struggle against it, I am learning that often the best thing to do is also the hardest thing to do: surrender and submit myself to change and allow myself to be stretched through that change.

Running is for me the most deeply personal form of worship that I can express. It is complete worship for me, body, mind, soul and spirit. It is a total submission to God, a laying aside of myself that nothing else quite achieves. Which is, at the very heart of it, what worship truly is--surrender. Running has shown me that it truly is possible to worship in every circumstance, in every state of mind, in every emotion because I have ran through all of them. I have ran through anger, despair, hurt, exhaustion, sorrow, anguish, pain, desperation, apathy, peace, joy, happiness. In everything I have found a place of worship through surrender in running. Running has not only been worship for me, but it has been a working out of my salvation (Philippians 2:12). I have worked through some of my hardest questions and deepest issues while running. I have found deep healing through running. I have cried. I have laughed. I have probably cursed (just being honest here). And I have found deep peace

We all have times when we go through dry seasons, dark nights, times of grief and mourning, and desperation. This post is purely practical advice about taking care of yourself during such a time. These are things that I have read, observed or discovered for myself while going through such seasons. Don't neglect yourself. We humans are intricate creations. We are body, mind, soul, spirit, heart. We need to take care of ourselves holistically because everything is tied together. We cannot separate the different parts of ourselves, and we cannot think that the rest of our person will not suffer if one part of us is suffering. If we are suffering emotionally it will show itself in other ways, and the same for everything else. Motivation. I find that it is very easy for me to get overwhelmed and just neglect everything when I am going through a difficult time. Something that I have found helpful is from the book Learning to Walk Alone by Ingrid Trobish. She says have a goal of acco

I'm not good at asking for help.  I don't want to seem like I'm nagging. Proverbs 21:19 says that it is better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife (NIV), and while I am not married, I believe that what I practice now will be the foundation to my later life. I don't want to be a nagger, so I don't ask. I don't want to inconvenience anyone. We all know those people who ask you to do something at the worst possible time, but you feel obligated to help them because they asked. I don't want to be one of those people. So instead of potentially putting anyone out, I will just not ask. I don't want to come across as needy. We all also know those people who always need something from you. They constantly take and take and never give back, high-maintenance people. This is never how I want to come across.  I hate feeling like I owe anyone. In my analytical mind there is a balance sheet where if I do something for someone it doesn

I'm at that age where it seems like every time I get on facebook another friend is announcing that they are going to have a baby (or a second or third child). And I'm not going to lie and tell you that I don't have momentary jealousy each time. There is a struggle within me each time to have joy for these friends, especially when I know how longed for each baby is and how loved each one already is and will always be.  By the time my mom was my age, she had already been married for five years and had two children. That was always the story I wanted for my life. But it is not the story that I have.  In her MTV Unplugged album Lauryn Hill says: "Fantasy is what people want, but reality is what people need." My reality is that while God can change everything in a single moment, I can see no visible end to my singleness, and a single virgin is the same as a barren woman. I long for the children that I don't know if I will ever have. This has been particularly

This is something that I wrote about a year ago, and as I was looking back through some old journals I found it again. I think it fits with where I am at currently as well.  If I were daring enough to live in a broken world with a fully awake and alive heart what would that look like? If I dared to love without reason in the middle of my wounds and pain would my heart be able to handle it? If I was generous with myself even when people don't deserve my best would I fade away, a used up shell?   Or would my fully awake and alive heart be used to bring beauty in the midst of pain? It may be that a choice to live with a heart that is open could change the world. It may be that that choice could bring peace, rest, life, and joy to people who desperately need it. It could be that a heart that is awake and alive has the power to make a black and white life into a full color picture.   Would my choice to love beyond reason in the midst of wounds and pain be the one thing that heals

My heart is light.  The sun shines out brighter.  Darkness has passed, and I am still standing.  I look forward in anticipation. I am made new. Is a fresh start.  God is faithful His mercies are new.  Weeping may last for a night, but Joy has come in the morning. Life is abundant.

My massage therapy mentor said two of the most convicting words I have ever heard. We were sitting at breakfast one morning and she looked me directly in the eye as I was saying something and she just said, "Be soft." She is a very perceptive woman, so I'm sure that she knows this is something that I have difficulty with even though I don't think I have ever told her that.  Being soft. Not my strong suit. Softness requires vulnerability. And vulnerability automatically comes with a risk of being hurt. Being hurt. Probably the thing I fear most, and yet it is inevitable. We are broken people living in a broken world and our brokenness means that we will hurt each other even as hard as we try not to.  And so my defense is to be hard because if I get hurt then I can speak harshly and act like that person doesn't matter to me because the fact that they hurt me means I don't matter to them.  Of course, when it is written out, said out loud like that I can imm