I'm pregnant!
I'm at that age where it seems like every time I get on facebook another friend is announcing that they are going to have a baby (or a second or third child). And I'm not going to lie and tell you that I don't have momentary jealousy each time. There is a struggle within me each time to have joy for these friends, especially when I know how longed for each baby is and how loved each one already is and will always be.
By the time my mom was my age, she had already been married for five years and had two children. That was always the story I wanted for my life. But it is not the story that I have.
In her MTV Unplugged album Lauryn Hill says: "Fantasy is what people want, but reality is what people need."
My reality is that while God can change everything in a single moment, I can see no visible end to my singleness, and a single virgin is the same as a barren woman. I long for the children that I don't know if I will ever have. This has been particularly heavy on my heart the last couple of days.
Which is why when I opened up my Bible this morning to read out of Romans 8 this passage just gripped my heart:
By the time my mom was my age, she had already been married for five years and had two children. That was always the story I wanted for my life. But it is not the story that I have.
In her MTV Unplugged album Lauryn Hill says: "Fantasy is what people want, but reality is what people need."
My reality is that while God can change everything in a single moment, I can see no visible end to my singleness, and a single virgin is the same as a barren woman. I long for the children that I don't know if I will ever have. This has been particularly heavy on my heart the last couple of days.
Which is why when I opened up my Bible this morning to read out of Romans 8 this passage just gripped my heart:
"That’s
why I don’t think there’s any comparison between the present hard times
and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for
what’s coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held
back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are
ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times
ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.
"All
around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain
throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around
us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within.
We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of
ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not
diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are
enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us.
But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our
expectancy.
"Meanwhile,
the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside
helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t
matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our
wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know
ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before
God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love
for God is worked into something good." - Romans 8:18-28 (The Message)
In the ESV version verses 24 and 25 say:
"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."
I do not see that which I hope for in my life. I do not see that which I am waiting for. I don't know if I will ever get married or have babies of my own. But I know that God is growing something within me during this time. I know that He is enlarging my heart. I know that He hears my cries and my prayers. He sees my tears shed in quiet, still moments of solitude.
And as I am in this place, Jesus is sitting at the right hand of God the Father and interceding for me. The Holy Spirit is praying in and for me, making prayer out of my wordless sighs. And I am sure that every detail of my life of love for God is being worked into something good.
Which is why I can say that God is good whether or not I get married. God is good whether or not I have children. God is good no matter what my life looks like because His goodness is not dependent upon me, but upon Him, and His character never changes or fails.
Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.
Love this, Melissa! I could have written this word for word myself..
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful! I know exactly what you mean. I was never sure I wanted kids and I would get frustrated at times when I would see all my friends talking about babies on Facebook. I felt like something was wrong with me because I felt according to the Christian world I had married late and was too old to have kids (which if you look at the general, secular world, getting married at 26 and becoming pregnant at 31 is not old, but pretty spot on with the average). But I felt like I was the odd woman out-before it was the fact that I wasn't married, then I was married and everyone else moved ahead without me. I was upset when I found out all my good friends would be having babies the same time-and I wasn't part of that group. It almost felt like I was betrayed, even though it had nothing to do with me! Plus, add in my own unsure mind about even having kids and I felt very lost and confused and left out. I still feel this way even though now I am pregnant-I still feel behind-everyone else has one kid, I feel like mine won't be special among my group of friends because they already have kids. I know it doesn't make sense and it doesn't do any good to compare, because your life is your own and who cares what the rest of the world is up to, but it still can hurt at times. So a very long comment to say I understand and thank you-these verses spoke to me as well and I'm so glad you posted this!!
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