but then I go on again

Sometimes the days just string together and unless you pay attention, you end up somewhere you never expected to be. Sometimes the people around you have to give you a reality check. Sometimes God just pulls you up short and asks you hard questions.

My days have strung together. Somewhere in the monotony of life and work I stopped paying attention to where I was at and just kept going. I didn't realize how sad I was until my boss called me into his office and asked if everything was alright.

I have cried a lot lately. I cried every day for a week and I have been on the verge of tears for quite a while. Tears are a blessing to me. For a long time I had none. Not that I didn't have a reason to cry, but I just wouldn't let myself. I had to prove that I was tough enough. Tears to me are evidence of the tenderness of my heart, and I am amazed at the work God has done in me.

I am alright. I'm just a little sad right now. It took some soul searching after my chat with my boss for me to figure some things out, but I'm alright. This is just sad me. I'm not sure how long it will last, but it is a season.

I am at a crossroads, an intersection, that I didn't see coming. It is the intersection of winter and a dear friend moving and longing for things I don't have and not traveling in quite a while and not having a vacation in quite a while and the list goes on. It is the intersection of these things with the fact that my work isn't challenging me and I am frustrated with some things that have happened (or rather not happened).

I am going to be okay. Summer will come back. I will go somewhere sometime. I'm getting out of town next weekend with my roomie for a film festival, and I am excited about that. I am looking forward to new challenges, of which this is one: Sugar, Spice, Savor. Massage therapy school is another.

But just for right now. . .I am letting myself be a little sad, and I'm not going to put on a mask and try to fool people into thinking that I'm happy when I'm not.

Up to the Mountain - Lee Ellen Starks (This was recorded for me, and it is my song I listen to when I need encouraged that God is still there and I will make it.)

Comments

  1. Hannah Elizabeth27 February, 2011

    I love you my dear friend. sadness sucks, but sometimes it helps. I said a quick prayer for you just now.

    Mwah! And walk tall. Cause you being here makes my world such a wonderful place.

    ReplyDelete

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