living up to my potential

You know how sometimes those feelings of being inadequate just crop up out of nowhere? That just happened to me. I was perfectly contented, minding my own business and then out of nowhere the world just slapped me in the face and said, See you aren't living up to your potential. Shame on you.

Where is this coming from? I received a newsletter from the department head of the economics department I graduated from in my e-mail today. In this newsletter there was a list of other graduates (many of whom I know) and what they are currently doing. Grad school, law school, fellowships, scholarships, working at the Fed, etc. The voice in the back of my head said, That should be you.

As much as I don't want to believe that voice, I find myself questioning my choices. Am I wasting my potential? Should I be pursuing some other path? What if I did make the wrong choices regarding grad school?

I didn't want to e-mail the department head back because what would I say. I make pies and serve at catering events and dropped out of graduate school; that's what I'm doing with my econ degree. I didn't want to e-mail him and tell him that because I knew that he (and the other professors) would not understand my choices and they would be disappointed.

Did I make the wrong choices? No, I didn't. Each choice I made was prayed over and approved by God. Am I ashamed of my job? No, I'm not. I go to work and do something that I love. Yes, there are bad days. Yes, I am struggling right now because it isn't challenging me. But ultimately, I love to bake and cook, and I get paid to do it.

People want to hear the "success" stories because those are the people who are doing what the world says is successful. Sometimes I have to remember what success truly is. Because I measure success in the eyes of eternity. All those other graduates may have multiple degrees, may be making a lot more money than I am, may be doing what is "acceptable" by the departments standards, but those are all temporal things.

Yes, in the last year I could have been well on my way to completing a masters degree. I could have been working a job where I would earn a lot more money. I could have a lot to show for my first year out of college. But what I have gained can't be seen because my gain has been eternal not temporal. I have gained a faith and trust in God that is deepened and more firmly grounded each passing day. I have poured into friendships that have become richer and truer and more golden with each refining stage. I have sown into the secret place, into health, into relationship, into giving, into loving, into trusting.

And I am eagerly expecting the rich rewards that I know will come. I may not see them now. I may not even see them in this lifetime, but I know that they will come. And I would rather have the riches of eternity than the richest rewards of this world.