on singleness
I am finding it difficult to put into words what I think I am supposed to convey with this post, so please bear with me.
I have been single for nearly 25 years. I have struggled with this fact. I have cried. I have begged and pleaded with God. I have thrown my hands up in frustration. I have prayed until I have no other words to pray. I have stopped praying. I have believed in moments that I would be single forever despite God's promises to the contrary. I have spoken in bitterness and resentment. I have surrendered my desire over and over again. I have embraced the longing that accompanies unfulfilled desires. I have spoken hope and encouragement. I have accepted God's will for me for today. I have arrived at a place of peace, a place of contentment in the midst of unfulfilled desires.
I have shared many things about my singleness, but I haven't ever really talked about why I am single, the story of how I arrived at this point. When people find out that I have never dated the first question is usually why? Is it by choice? The short answer, I guess, is yes. This is the longer answer.
I grew up in the I Kissed Dating Goodbye generation. That was what I learned in the formative years of my life. My amazing parents wanted to give me a better guide than they themselves had received, and it was well intentioned. This was one of the main reasons I was not a part of the dating scene during junior high and high school.
Going to college opened a new door to me. I moved from the middle of nowhere and a public school of 100 students in grades K-12 (most of whom I was related to) to a fairly large university of 20,000 plus students. I had no idea what I wanted to do because I really just wanted to get my Mrs. degree, but I felt like I needed to go to college because that was the logical next step. I thought that surely in this big school I would find one guy who I would marry.
I thought I found him my sophomore year. He was kind, funny, nerdy, and really seemed to like me. According to my plan everything was falling nicely into place. We were becoming good friends and that would morph into dating which would become a wedding after I graduated. Except that after months of talking, he started dating someone else. I was devastated, and looking back that was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am so thankful for him because the brokenness I found in my heart drove me to God like nothing else ever had.
In the more than 4 years since then, I have been challenged over and over again to examine my ideas of what dating and marriage should look like. I have struggled with this question, and every time I have just had to take it back to God. At this point in my life, I am able to say that I have been asked out (I believe a grand total of 2 times), and each time has been by a guy who I know doesn't share my values, so I have turned them down because I do not want to waste my time and heart or theirs. I will also say that I believe I have had a couple of guys (who were good men) who I think were interested in me, and I did my best to discourage them because I felt no peace about their interest or where that could potentially lead.
What God has taught me is that my heart is intensely valuable to Him, and so I have become fiercely protective of my heart. He has shown me that I am a woman of deep commitment, and when I commit to a man that will be the end of the line for me. I do not have it in me to invest in more than one man in a romantic way. God in His infinite wisdom has protected me and spared my heart, reserving it and hiding it away. He has asked me over and over to trust Him with this matter, to trust in His plan even when other plans seem more appealing in the moment.
The idea of dating to me used to be about a bunch of rules. I chose not to date because of those rules. God's love freed me from rules. Being in relationship with God is not about man-made rules, but about having fellowship with Him and through that fellowship walking in obedience to Him. I have continued to choose not to date because I have not felt in my relationship with God that He wanted me to do that. The strength of my conviction in waiting lies not in someone telling me to wait, but rather in waiting upon God because I desire Him to be most glorified in my life. At this point in my life God is most glorified in my singleness because I am single.
I want to be clear about the point of this post. This is not a post to tell you how you should or shouldn't approach dating. This is not a post to say that I have done it the right way. I have made many mistakes, and I am sure I have hurt people along the way. This is not a post to make anyone feel guilty or shameful for having a different approach to relationships and dating. The purpose of this post is to share that God has a plan in everything in our lives. I have come to understand that I am a very small piece in the grand plan that God has, but that He will use me in that grand plan. God loves to use our circumstances to bless other people. He loves when we are surrendered to His plan in faith because that gives Him the freedom to do greater things.
I love my years of singleness because they have taught me to live in surrender to God. I love my years of singleness because they will be used by God to bless others. I love my years of singleness because I have learned to depend on Him alone. I love my years of singleness because they are my offering of faith to God, they are the cry of my heart for Him to do something greater. I love my years of singleness because I know that God will use these years to bless others. He will use these years because they are a part of His plan for my life, and that is something to rejoice about.
There is an incredible next chapter coming, but it is still being written, so as I wait in joyful expectation for the completion of that chapter, I give you this one in hopes that you will be encouraged by it.
I have been single for nearly 25 years. I have struggled with this fact. I have cried. I have begged and pleaded with God. I have thrown my hands up in frustration. I have prayed until I have no other words to pray. I have stopped praying. I have believed in moments that I would be single forever despite God's promises to the contrary. I have spoken in bitterness and resentment. I have surrendered my desire over and over again. I have embraced the longing that accompanies unfulfilled desires. I have spoken hope and encouragement. I have accepted God's will for me for today. I have arrived at a place of peace, a place of contentment in the midst of unfulfilled desires.
I have shared many things about my singleness, but I haven't ever really talked about why I am single, the story of how I arrived at this point. When people find out that I have never dated the first question is usually why? Is it by choice? The short answer, I guess, is yes. This is the longer answer.
I grew up in the I Kissed Dating Goodbye generation. That was what I learned in the formative years of my life. My amazing parents wanted to give me a better guide than they themselves had received, and it was well intentioned. This was one of the main reasons I was not a part of the dating scene during junior high and high school.
Going to college opened a new door to me. I moved from the middle of nowhere and a public school of 100 students in grades K-12 (most of whom I was related to) to a fairly large university of 20,000 plus students. I had no idea what I wanted to do because I really just wanted to get my Mrs. degree, but I felt like I needed to go to college because that was the logical next step. I thought that surely in this big school I would find one guy who I would marry.
I thought I found him my sophomore year. He was kind, funny, nerdy, and really seemed to like me. According to my plan everything was falling nicely into place. We were becoming good friends and that would morph into dating which would become a wedding after I graduated. Except that after months of talking, he started dating someone else. I was devastated, and looking back that was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am so thankful for him because the brokenness I found in my heart drove me to God like nothing else ever had.
In the more than 4 years since then, I have been challenged over and over again to examine my ideas of what dating and marriage should look like. I have struggled with this question, and every time I have just had to take it back to God. At this point in my life, I am able to say that I have been asked out (I believe a grand total of 2 times), and each time has been by a guy who I know doesn't share my values, so I have turned them down because I do not want to waste my time and heart or theirs. I will also say that I believe I have had a couple of guys (who were good men) who I think were interested in me, and I did my best to discourage them because I felt no peace about their interest or where that could potentially lead.
What God has taught me is that my heart is intensely valuable to Him, and so I have become fiercely protective of my heart. He has shown me that I am a woman of deep commitment, and when I commit to a man that will be the end of the line for me. I do not have it in me to invest in more than one man in a romantic way. God in His infinite wisdom has protected me and spared my heart, reserving it and hiding it away. He has asked me over and over to trust Him with this matter, to trust in His plan even when other plans seem more appealing in the moment.
The idea of dating to me used to be about a bunch of rules. I chose not to date because of those rules. God's love freed me from rules. Being in relationship with God is not about man-made rules, but about having fellowship with Him and through that fellowship walking in obedience to Him. I have continued to choose not to date because I have not felt in my relationship with God that He wanted me to do that. The strength of my conviction in waiting lies not in someone telling me to wait, but rather in waiting upon God because I desire Him to be most glorified in my life. At this point in my life God is most glorified in my singleness because I am single.
I want to be clear about the point of this post. This is not a post to tell you how you should or shouldn't approach dating. This is not a post to say that I have done it the right way. I have made many mistakes, and I am sure I have hurt people along the way. This is not a post to make anyone feel guilty or shameful for having a different approach to relationships and dating. The purpose of this post is to share that God has a plan in everything in our lives. I have come to understand that I am a very small piece in the grand plan that God has, but that He will use me in that grand plan. God loves to use our circumstances to bless other people. He loves when we are surrendered to His plan in faith because that gives Him the freedom to do greater things.
I love my years of singleness because they have taught me to live in surrender to God. I love my years of singleness because they will be used by God to bless others. I love my years of singleness because I have learned to depend on Him alone. I love my years of singleness because they are my offering of faith to God, they are the cry of my heart for Him to do something greater. I love my years of singleness because I know that God will use these years to bless others. He will use these years because they are a part of His plan for my life, and that is something to rejoice about.
There is an incredible next chapter coming, but it is still being written, so as I wait in joyful expectation for the completion of that chapter, I give you this one in hopes that you will be encouraged by it.
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