happy birthday

*I had every intention of posting this nearer to my birthday, but here I am and three weeks have passed. Please forgive me.

I have a dream of one day having a birthday party where at the end of the night all my guests leave with presents instead of me. As I'm not quite at the point in my life to do that yet, I hope that instead this post may be a present to you. And don't worry, when I am at that point in my life, you're all invited.

When I turned 25, I was so excited. I just knew that 25 was going to be the best year yet. I just had this feeling, you know that feeling, that something glorious is right around the corner.

And after my 25th birthday something glorious did happen. I experienced brokenness as I had never yet experienced it.

I had dreams die, deep heart dreams.

I lost friends, dear heart friends.

I had opportunities taken from me, ones that made my heart stir.

For the first time in my life I identified with Naomi in the story of Ruth. I was Mara, bitter, angry, upset, hurting, disappointed, broken, empty. I spent months crying as blow after blow hit my heart.

I retreated from people. I cried. I screamed. I grieved. I ached. 

And it was glorious. It was glorious because every step of the way God was with me. He didn't shrink from my questions and doubts. He quietly accepted my anger and accusations, my rants and tears.

Much like Naomi, I had found the freedom of faith to place the blame for this squarely on God because He is big enough to handle it. And much in the same way the Lord dealt with Naomi's faith, so too He dealt with mine.

I found kindness in unexpected places.

I discovered friendship and loyalty where I did not look for it.

I began to feel renewed hope for God's promises.

And it was glorious. It was glorious because while my circumstances were unchanged, I was changed. And then the truly glorious thing happened. Much like the way God redeemed Naomi's circumstances, so too He redeemed mine.

Dreams that were lost are resurrected.

Things I didn't know I had lost are restored.

I am redeemed.

And it is glorious. It is glorious because the brokenness remains, yet I am restored. We cannot erase the past; it is always a part of us. I continue to remain broken because I am human, yet I am a new creation being renewed every day. I am broken, yet I am whole.

My prayer for you is that you may discover this gift for yourself, that you may find the blessing in brokenness, that you may discover the beauty to be found in the midst of heartache, that you may find streams of living water in the midst of the desert, and that you may ever lean on the One who is big enough to handle your brokenness.