when i lost my faith
I grew up in the I Kissed Dating Goodbye generation (please follow the link for information on this book if you are not familiar with it). I was nine when Joshua Harris' book hit the shelves, and by the time I was a teenager, his ideas had taken off like wildfire. I remember studying it in our Sunday school class, and making the decision that I would not kiss, have sex, or do anything that would cause harm to my future marriage and spouse.
That decision along with my personal tendencies towards borderline idiotic stubbornness likely kept me from getting into trouble with boys.
It also found me 25 and single. For more than ten years, I saved myself and waited for my Prince Charming to show up. I had been careful to avoid romantic entanglements, having not so much as held hands with a guy.
Now there is nothing wrong with being 25 and single. The problem lay in the fact that being 25 and single lead me to question what was wrong with me. I had worked hard to become the kind of girl any man would want to date and/or marry. Why did no man want me?
The few guys I had been interested in throughout my life had never reciprocated my interest, or never told me if they did. Officially, I had only been asked out once, by a man I never would have considered for various reasons. I had not formally made a deal with God, but we had an understanding: if I honored Him with my waiting, then He would in turn honor me with a husband.
Once, I thought that it had happened; that God had told me who I was going to marry. The day I realized that guy was never going to like me, let alone marry me, was followed by several other circumstances that led me into a deep brokenness. I felt betrayed. I felt misled. I felt abandoned. I wrestled with God and the ideals that I held for so long.
And I left my faith. I left behind the faith of my childhood. I shed the faith of my teenage years. I walked away from the faith of my college-aged self.
I ranted at God. I questioned Him. Sometimes, I yelled at Him. I cried more than I ever thought possible. I doubted Him and that He even cared for me. But something amazing happened. In the middle of my questions and brokenness, I found God to be more than I gave Him credit for. I found that my doubts and questions were not too much for Him. I found that my anger was not overwhelming Him. He was and is so much bigger than my perceptions.
It wasn't until I began to question and doubt those things that I found my faith. Questions and doubts propelled me into a deeper faith.
When I did meet the man who would later become my husband, I continued to wrestle with these deep seated rules that had been drilled into my heart. After we kissed for the first time, which was not on our wedding day, I struggled with overwhelming guilt. But I wasn't a teenager any more. I had grown up. I learned who God was for myself instead of just taking for granted what everyone had always told me about Him.
I don't blame Joshua Harris for what he wrote. I don't blame him for expressing his ideas. I think we should all have the freedom to express our ideas. I don't blame him for my wrestling and brokenness. We live in a fallen, broken world. Pain and brokenness is unavoidable.
I am, however, sad that his ideas were not challenged and examined before being taught as the right way for Christians to engage in romantic relationships. I believed for a long time that if I didn't follow the prescribed pattern of courtship, that if I went on a date without God telling me that I was supposed to marry that man, then I was going to be outside God's will
The real irony is that I Kissed Dating Goodbye was supposed to protect me from hurt, but it was the exact thing that caused my brokenness. But that is where the blessing was waiting. When I finally embraced my brokenness, I realized that God did not love me less because of it. In fact, it was my brokenness that caused me to see how deeply God loves me. I discovered that God's heart is broken for me. What amazing love that is!!!
I can't change my story. I can't go back in time and make those years un-happen. But you know, I don't want to. I don't want to undo my story, because it is what makes me who I am. If I had never kissed dating goodbye, I would never have found my brokenness. And that brokenness has radically transformed my life and my faith. It became an extraordinary blessing, and I don't know who I would be without it.
In the end, I owe thanks to Joshua Harris. It may not have been the way he intended, but his book transformed my life. Ultimately, that is the incredible power of God. He takes the things that break us and transforms them into something beautiful.
*Joshua Harris was 21 years old when I Kissed Dating Goodbye was published, and he has received much criticism about his book in recent years. This article helped to inspired this post.
That decision along with my personal tendencies towards borderline idiotic stubbornness likely kept me from getting into trouble with boys.
It also found me 25 and single. For more than ten years, I saved myself and waited for my Prince Charming to show up. I had been careful to avoid romantic entanglements, having not so much as held hands with a guy.
Now there is nothing wrong with being 25 and single. The problem lay in the fact that being 25 and single lead me to question what was wrong with me. I had worked hard to become the kind of girl any man would want to date and/or marry. Why did no man want me?
The few guys I had been interested in throughout my life had never reciprocated my interest, or never told me if they did. Officially, I had only been asked out once, by a man I never would have considered for various reasons. I had not formally made a deal with God, but we had an understanding: if I honored Him with my waiting, then He would in turn honor me with a husband.
Once, I thought that it had happened; that God had told me who I was going to marry. The day I realized that guy was never going to like me, let alone marry me, was followed by several other circumstances that led me into a deep brokenness. I felt betrayed. I felt misled. I felt abandoned. I wrestled with God and the ideals that I held for so long.
And I left my faith. I left behind the faith of my childhood. I shed the faith of my teenage years. I walked away from the faith of my college-aged self.
I ranted at God. I questioned Him. Sometimes, I yelled at Him. I cried more than I ever thought possible. I doubted Him and that He even cared for me. But something amazing happened. In the middle of my questions and brokenness, I found God to be more than I gave Him credit for. I found that my doubts and questions were not too much for Him. I found that my anger was not overwhelming Him. He was and is so much bigger than my perceptions.
It wasn't until I began to question and doubt those things that I found my faith. Questions and doubts propelled me into a deeper faith.
When I did meet the man who would later become my husband, I continued to wrestle with these deep seated rules that had been drilled into my heart. After we kissed for the first time, which was not on our wedding day, I struggled with overwhelming guilt. But I wasn't a teenager any more. I had grown up. I learned who God was for myself instead of just taking for granted what everyone had always told me about Him.
I don't blame Joshua Harris for what he wrote. I don't blame him for expressing his ideas. I think we should all have the freedom to express our ideas. I don't blame him for my wrestling and brokenness. We live in a fallen, broken world. Pain and brokenness is unavoidable.
I am, however, sad that his ideas were not challenged and examined before being taught as the right way for Christians to engage in romantic relationships. I believed for a long time that if I didn't follow the prescribed pattern of courtship, that if I went on a date without God telling me that I was supposed to marry that man, then I was going to be outside God's will
The real irony is that I Kissed Dating Goodbye was supposed to protect me from hurt, but it was the exact thing that caused my brokenness. But that is where the blessing was waiting. When I finally embraced my brokenness, I realized that God did not love me less because of it. In fact, it was my brokenness that caused me to see how deeply God loves me. I discovered that God's heart is broken for me. What amazing love that is!!!
I can't change my story. I can't go back in time and make those years un-happen. But you know, I don't want to. I don't want to undo my story, because it is what makes me who I am. If I had never kissed dating goodbye, I would never have found my brokenness. And that brokenness has radically transformed my life and my faith. It became an extraordinary blessing, and I don't know who I would be without it.
In the end, I owe thanks to Joshua Harris. It may not have been the way he intended, but his book transformed my life. Ultimately, that is the incredible power of God. He takes the things that break us and transforms them into something beautiful.
*Joshua Harris was 21 years old when I Kissed Dating Goodbye was published, and he has received much criticism about his book in recent years. This article helped to inspired this post.
Comments
Post a Comment