Barefoot Keys

Today has been a crappy day...well, I guess that was yesterday now...but all the same...crappy day. I know that God blesses every day, and that it was a day from Him, but it was still an awful, horrible, no good, very bad day. And not because of anything in particular...well, that might be a bit of a lie. One thing in particular has made it sucky - my heart.

See I don't know what is going on with my heart right now, and God won't tell me. My heart is aching so bad right now, and I have no idea why. There is no logical reason it should ache. It is not aching for a guy or for a longing to just be with God for eternity, to be home, or any other ache that I have felt before. I am in uncharted aching territory, and I have no idea what to even do about it.

I know what to do, but it isn't helping. I keep giving it to God, and asking Him to satisfy it, and asking Him to tell me what is going on, but there is no reply, no response, just more aching.

I am trying very hard not to fill that ache with other things, although the opportunities have presented themselves, and I would gladly love to try to fill this ache with something else, but nothing will satisfy, not even my amazing friends.

I love my boys. They are super awesome, and I love that they try to cheer me up and make me happy by asking me 10,000 times if I'm okay and giving me huge bear hugs, but they can't make it better. They ask if I'm alright, but I can't tell them that no everything's not alright because I can't be that vulnerable with them. They can give me a hug every second, but that isn't going to fix things.

God, please, I just want you!! I want to seek you with undistracted intensity every single day of my life. I'm just tired of the ache that feels so consuming.

I'm sleeping in tomorrow, and I'm going for a run in the morning. I haven't been on a run since Saturday, so it should be fun.

There are exciting/good parts to this day. K played me a new song she wrote, M sent me a text that they sold the semi (a real answer to prayer), and K sent me a text about some exciting news in her life.

Now I need some Jesus time...and Lord if you don't satisfy me...you know the rest. ;)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

belonging

I'm supposed to be writing a sermon for a baccalaureate service we are having at our church tomorrow night to celebrate our high school graduates. Don't worry. I'll get it finished. But as I'm thinking about what to say to young people who are getting ready to cross a threshold in our community and culture, I'm also processing words that were recently spoken at a college graduation at a private Catholic university.  Here's the thing. Harrison Butker is a phenomenal football kicker. Last year he missed two field goals the entire season. He was responsible for the Chiefs making it to overtime in the Super Bowl, setting a Super Bowl record for the longest field goal ever made. Without his work, the Chiefs would not have won the Super Bowl, but they also probably wouldn't have made it to the Super Bowl. Harrison is really good at his job, and as a Chiefs fan, I both respect and admire his work. I'm really glad he plays for the Chiefs. I don't know all th...
Read more

peace

I've thought a lot about peace this week, and all week I've tried to come up with the words to say what I feel in my soul. I am weary. My heart mourns because there is so much dissension and violence in our world. There is so little peace.  The hosts of heaven announced the arrival of the Messiah with shouts of Glory to God in the Highest and Peace on Earth. I think sometimes we forget that people during this time frame had a very different version of peace than we think of today. The shepherds who heard this announcement would have been well aware of the Pax Romana: the Peace of Rome.  You see, Rome had a great and terrible weapon to enforce their peace. You threaten the peace; you die. And not just any death, but a public, humiliating, and excruciatingly painful death. The Peace of Rome came at a great price to any who would stand in their way.  So I wonder if any of the shepherds had questions or doubts as they left their sheep and rushed off to find th...
Read more

accomplishment

You know that sense of accomplishment when it really sinks in that you actually just did whatever you did. Like the first time you tie your shoes all by yourself. Or when you ride your bike without training wheels for the first time. Or when you drive you car without your mom or dad in it. Or when you make your first flight by yourself. Or when you move to a city where nothing is familiar and start a life there. Or when you finish your last class of your undergraduate college. Yep...that's what I did about an hour ago. I finished my last college class. I have one paper and 2 finals standing between me and graduation, but I will be graduating (New Zealand here I come!!) in a week and a day. My family will be down here in a week. In a week I will have handed in my paper and finished my last final. This is the verse that has been rattling around in my exhausted brain all day: "May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and...
Read more