Gimme a Break

I am so glad my break is officially starting. How nice to know that I have nothing on my schedule for the next couple of days except spending time with God. Trust me, I am ready for it.

Lately my runs have been very mentally challenging as well as physically challenging. I feel like I should be feeling better when I run than I am. My chiro gave me some stretches to try, though, and hopefully that will help...I'm sure stretching at all will help...I'm really bad at the whole stretching thing....need to work on that.

But lately the mental has been just as bad as the physical. This morning Jesus and I had a good talk about how much I depend on the praise of man (and by man I mean mankind, not the male species). I am a words of affirmation person. That is my number one love language. I need words of affirmation to feel like others love me. And yet, I feel like I lean much to heavily on what man says and not enough on what God says.

Last night I was having issues, and I have realized that I always have to have a say in everything. I don't like to just sit and listen. I like to voice an opinion about everything. I talk over people. I answer questions addressed to others. In short, I am a know-it-all...and I like it that way (that's the problem).

When I was in 7th grade my english teacher pulled me aside after class and told me that the other kids might like me better if I wasn't such a know-it-all (kia). I went home and cried my eyes out, but I am realizing 9 years later that she was right. Now she probably could have said it in a better way, but at the core of the matter, she was correct. No one likes a kia, and yet here I am.

So I am trying to find balance. I don't want to do what I then proceeded to do in junior high (which was to decide not to talk at all about anything that mattered), but neither do I want to continue to be a kia. The problem is I'm not sure exactly how to find that balance. Most of the time, stuff comes out of my mouth before I even realize I have said it. I need to work on that.

I am praying that I will learn to be a listener, and I'm praying that God would make me into a wise woman and a good friend.

I think part of my being a kia is because it is a defense mechanism. I like being able to hide behind the role of the smart person who really does know everything. If I can step into the role of nerd, then I can hide behind that role. That is something safe. I like being safe.

So this last night Jesus and I worked on this some, and then this morning when I was running, we worked on it some more. I need to be open to being wounded by people's words. I have to allow myself to be vulnerable with others, and when I am vulnerable with others, I will be wounded by their words. It is inevitable. But when that happens, I can't shut them off. As much as I want to, I can't hold them at arms length. So I'm trying to find balance in this as well.

And I'm learning to take those hurts to God. When I am injured by another's words, I have to do the only thing that will bring healing which is take it to the Lord and forgive them.

Anyway, I am coming face-to-face with "I am dark but lovely." I'm excited to have my retreat coming up, which means I will not be blogging for several days.

Until later...peace out yo!