the heart of the mess (or the mess of the heart)

My heart is a mess. For that matter, my enitre life is one messy matter. God bless my future husband for not only putting up with my messiness but loving me inspite of it (because I'm sure he will).

Anyway...I love talking with my beautiful friend K on our lovely Friday mornings. I think this is something I figured out last week when we were talking, but it came back up this week, so I thought I would blog about it.

I think I get scared of my heart and my messiness. For some people, it is easy for them to be in touch with their hearts. That is not me. In fact, I am an expert at ignoring my heart...it goes with my Oscar worthy acting skills. It is very easy for me to just tune out my heart and put on a mask and act like everything is just fine when it may or may not be. It is easy for me to get wrapped up in every day life and to not check what is going on inside of me.

I think it goes back to something I felt like I discovered about myself earlier this week. I think I have the heart and soul of a poet, but the brain of an economist. And they are constantly at war with each other over which is going to rule me. I have so frequently allowed my brain to be the ruler, that it has greatly weakened my ability to allow my heart to have a say in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I still allow my heart to be a part of my life, but it just usually loses when there is a battle between brain and heart. Sometimes that is a good thing...and sometimes that is a bad thing. And sometimes I would just rather not have to figure out which it is...so I don't...and I let my brain win. It's the easy thing to do.

But I'm not called to do the easy thing. I'm called to do what God wants me to do. And sometimes that means allowing my heart to be the reigning force in my life. Not always, but sometimes.

Sometimes I just really wish I had a map to figure my life out. Instead, I guess I just need to tackle the messiness and somewhere along the way it will all make sense...hopefully the same can be said of this post. hmmm....

well. I'm gonna sign off for now. Peace out yo!

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