Something Beautiful

I am sick of boys. I want men. There are a lot of boys in my life, but there are so few men. However, I have been greatly blessed with some amazing men. I just wish there were more of them. So I'm praying for that today. I'm praying for the boys to become men. I am much calmer about the future than I have been for the past couple of days. I still have no idea what I'm going to do, but I know that God will take care of me. As I was running this morning, I realized that I have so much faith that God will get me through this marathon, but I have so little faith that He will take care of me. I feel like I am constantly taking leaps of faith, but I guess that's what living a life of faith is all about. God told me to read Esther again yesterday, and I got some new revelations. Everyone has their own time for purification. It is a season. Also I realized that the "year" of purification is figurative. It won't necessarily be a calendar year. It could be a year or...

Today has officially been a lazy Sunday. At around 3:30 I felt like it was still 12:30. I have been running on Island time all day. It has been so nice to just be chill. I broke down in church today. I'm not even sure what it was about, but I had a good cry and two of my beautiful friends H and K came and prayed for me. Now I need to make two apple pies and get ready to go to dinner with my "family." The only problem is that I don't want to move. I just had a delicious nap, and I kind of just want to stay snuggled in bed. I am sooo ready to go to the chiropractor in the morning. My lower back has been killing me all day long. I have a 5 or 6 mile run in the morning before I go, though, but then I should be good for 2 days :) Alright...I'm going to get up and go make pie...safe!

Today has been a rather interesting day. I am exhausted, but thankfully with good reason. It was long run day, so 12 miles this week. I walked 2 of them which I wasn't really thrilled about, but I finished, so that was good. However, the entire time I was running, I had this internal conflict going on that at the very heart was about giving up control of my life. Pretty much I am a control freak...it wouldn't really look like it, but I try very frequently to control my own life. I want things to work out the way I want them to in the timing that I want them to. And when that doesn't happen, it causes me great stress and anxiety. The conflict was over finances and what I'm going to do when I graduate which is rapidly coming closer. What I am going to be praying for the next 9 months (well the rest of my life really) is the following: You are good. Your plan is perfect. I trust you. I have no idea what my life after graduation holds. I know what I want it to hold, but I c...

I have about 15 minutes in between my commitments right now, so I thought I would blog real quick before I have to run off to class and set off on the rest of my crazy day. I am pretty much in love with going to the chiropractor. It is the best 45 minutes of my day. I leave and feel like I've been at a spa all day long. I'm not sure I remember the last time I had so little tension in my back and neck and shoulders. I feel amazing!!! :) I had a wonderful conversation with R this morning, and I'm super excited to hang out with my roomies tomorrow!! I get to go watch my kiddos tonight, and it will be good to see them after an entire summer away from them. I think I'm going to take them over to PoHo for a little while if their parents are okay with that. I had lunch with a friend at Chipotle this morning. It was fun to catch up and to see her for a bit. I can't believe that the first week of class is almost over. This semester is already flying by and it has barely even...

I'm pretty much going to drop out of school and join the circus...my reasoning is even sound... 1) I am a natural balloon animal maker...I'm sure there is a more technical term than that, but basically I can make balloon animals...end of story. 2) I have to be good at juggling because I juggle life sooo well...it's not arrogance, just the truth...and I love it!!! . . . So I'm not going to drop out and join the circus, but I did consider it for about 5 minutes today...seriously. I'm back into the routine of juggling social commitments and jobs and classes and everything else. My planner is already filling up, and it's just the first week of school...hopefully though when I finish the initial back-to-school-needing-to-hang-out-with-all-the-friends-I-haven't-seen-in-3-months social visits my life will calm down just a bit...hopefully. God is soooo Good!!! He provides for us in everything that we go through. Never, ever, ever doubt that He will provide for us o...

Have I ever told you that God has a better plan than any one we could ever come up with?? Well, if I haven't, then I'm telling you now. At the beginning of this year when I felt God was telling me that this was my year of purification, I really had no idea what exactly that was going to look like. Using Esther as my guide, I figured out that the first 6 months were going to be the months of myrrh and the second 6 months were going to be months of beauty treatments. The first 6 months were indeed months of myrrh. There was a lot of dying to myself that went on and is still going on because of that. But when it came to the 6 months of beauty treatments I had no idea what all that would hold. Well, I had my own ideas of what it would be like, but I'm so glad that God has a better plan than the one I came up with. I went to the chiropractor this morning, and it was like a day at the spa. As I was leaving I was thinking about that, and I realized that this is part of my beauty t...

My heart is so full right now. I am attempting to process some things, so I will probably use this to do so at this moment. I am still really processing a lot of what has happened this summer, and realizing that I have a lot of work ahead of me. Yet, I am a little nervous...I don't really like change, so I think I'm nervous about what will change if I actually accomplish all that is before me to do. I'm sure this isn't making any sense at all...sorry! Last night was good...well, actually all day yesterday was good. In fact, the past 2-3 days have just been fantastic! I went to the chiropractor on Wednesday and I realized how much tension I carry around in my back and neck. He took x-rays and discovered a few things which are fixable and hopefully I can get corrected. I went back today, and he showed me the x-rays. My lower back is a bit messed up and my pelvis is unbalanced...one side is higher than the other which is causing my spine to compensate by leaning. So my bod...

I had a mini breakthrough today when I was running. Nothing major just a small realization that nearly brought me to tears. I have been feeling very dry in my walk with God lately. Kind of like I know He's there, but I can't feel Him. Usually when I run I have amazing prayer times, and even that has been dry. All of this is just kind of frustrating. What else is frustrating is that I feel like I'm still learning the same exact things I was learning a year ago. Why haven't I gotten it yet?!?! And then today I ran 5 miles. It was a good run, but once again, it just felt really dry. Then in the last half mile I was just crying out to God. I have begun to pray that God would let me see as He sees and feel what He feels. As I was praying this today I had my realization. That's what this last week was. I felt like God feels. My heart was broken for the lost. My heart was wounded in so many ways by people close to me when they didn't even realize it. This is how God fe...

I started this little ditty probably over a year ago, but I rediscovered it today when I was cleaning out my closet, so I thought I would write it up and finish it. Here goes... What is truth? Is it truth for you, truth for me? Is it truth that we look for or truth inside of each of us? Is it truth for the individual or truth for a group or truth for everyone? What is truth? This is what I know is true. I am human therefore I am imperfect. I mess up. I make bad/wrong decisions. I make mistakes. Sometimes I might be right, but I am very often wrong. I am an imperfect fallen woman. I hurt the people around me, and I am hurt by the people around me. I am unhappy, angry, bitter, lustful, tormented, distrustful, mean, cynical and prideful. I am a sinner of the worst kind bound for Hell. These things I know to be true. This is also true. There is a God. He is the Creator, the Beginning and the End, the Holy One. He is perfect in every way. He never messes up. He is always right. He is slow t...

I'm back from a vacation that was both good and bad and exactly what I needed. I don't think I have ever had so many highs and lows in the period of a week as I have this week. Bottom line: nothing ever turns out exactly like you expect. This vacation was amazing...it was so chill and so relaxing. It was awesome to get to see the beauty of St. Croix. What a truly beautiful place it is. I discovered a deep love for the ocean that I never really knew existed in my heart before. It came on so fast and so strong that I was almost caught off guard by it. There were some amazing, breath taking moments where all I could do is stand in awe and amazement at God and all His splendor. Such as the moment when I came out of the trees and saw this view. It was so awesome to visit a new place and meet new people and do new things. I smoked my first cigar...not too bad really. I went rock climbing on real rocks without gear and while trying to dodge sea urchins, but with the waves crashing abo...

Lately I have really been pondering how my life would be different if I really, truly, deeply believed the things I believe. I mean believed them from the very core of my being. What would change? How would it effect my life? I think somehow I would be much more radical than I am now because Jesus was a radical rebel. I was pondering this as I was running this morning, and the one question that really hit me was what if I truly believed God when He says that I am beautiful, if I truly believed I am the creature of beauty that He says I am? Which lead me to this question which I am still pondering and probably will be for some time: how does a creature of beauty act? I just have this feeling deep down inside that God is going to be making some radical changes in my life, and I am determined to ponder and meditate on the things that He tells me are Truth until they are so ingrained in my life that I actually do believe them. Well, gotta run...breakfast date before church with K and then ...

Today is starting off to be a lovely Saturday. I asked God to get me up early for my run today because it is going to be hot today and I wanted to run before it got miserable...and He did...I would say 4:45 is early. I went back to sleep for about 20 minutes and then I started my run at 5:30. 8 miles...it was such a lovely long run. My knees and legs are a bit sore now, but not horribly so. That makes a grand total of 20 miles for the week. Wow!! I have accomplished everything on my to-do list plus a couple of other things as well. Now I'm just chilling out for a little bit, sipping an iced mayan mocha from Kaldi's, waiting to leave for KB's wedding. I had forgotten the incredible joy that I get from Springfield's amazingly long yellow lights. How wonderful it is to be able to go through a light that turned yellow a half block before you get there!! It's good to be back! I need to spend some time with Jesus and finish getting ready to go. Then I'm off for the da...

Make Angel Food Cake for G'pa's Birthday Dinner tonight. Finish Packing Finish Painting Shower Make my bed Write Thank You's Drop off shirts at work Wash Car and Get Fuel Say Good-bye Stop by the Bank Leave Coffee with K Drop off stuff at my apartment Hang out with friends Sleepy Time!! I have a crazy day ahead of me, but a good one, and at the end of this day I will be home. And in 3 days I will be on the beach hanging out with friends!! So begins my senior year, and it has a lot of potential...can't wait to see what all God has in store for me!!!

Yay I'm done with work!! Yay I'm almost packed!! Yay I'm going to be in SGF tomorrow!! Yay I'm going to the beach in almost 3 days!! Yay everything is going to fit in my car!! Yay I get to have coffee with K tomorrow!! Yay I'm going to wash my car tomorrow!! Yay my next paycheck is going to be really nice!! Yay I get to see K in 2ish days!! Yay I get to see L in 3ish days!! Yay my senior year is almost ready to start!! Wow!! I can't believe this summer is over...it just doesn't seem possible that I'm really leaving in the morning...

Today's title comes from this Lauryn Hill song . I love her MTV Unplugged Album...it speaks so much to my soul. I can't believe that tomorrow is my last day at home for the summer. Here in just a little bit I'm going in for my last night of work at the Brookville Hotel. Tonight will be the last night I will come home smelling like fried chicken...thankfully. I'm almost finished packing. I just have some laundry to do tonight when I get home and then I'll finish packing. Tomorrow morning my dad and I are taking our last run...then I get to try to put all of my stuff plus a chair into my car...fun, fun. I hope and pray that it all fits!! Then just a few errands to run and I'm off. I can't believe that this summer is over!! I had a lovely morning this morning. God woke me up early this morning, so I got to see my sis for a while before she left for work, and I made coffee cake for the parents for breakfast and I got to sit on the front porch and enjoy the sunri...

The more I study God's word, the more I come to know Him, the more I seek Him out, the more I realize that I do not understand Him and I do not know Him, not as He really is. This only drives me to search for Him more, to seek Him more, to know Him more. So I have been praying that God would help me to know Him, and I have been praying that God would help me to comprehend His love. Yesterday I was praying this, and He directed me towards the Love chapter. As I read the familiar words, I received new insight, maybe I just hadn't read it in this version before, I don't know, but my heart leaped within me as I gained a new understanding of God's love. "Love is patient; love is king; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way ; it is not irritable or resentful." 1 Corinthians 13: 4,5 (emphasis mine) I read love does not insist on its own way and I suddenly understood an ounce of how much God loves us. He loves us so much...

Yummy breakfast this morning...apricot mango yogurt, cinnamon swirl toast and Scottish Tea. :) The wind blew like crazy last night...it blew our mailbox off the stand...yeah...INSANE! I started packing yesterday. :) Today I need to do laundry and finish up refinishing the table. The last chair is almost finished...it just needs another coat of finish on it. The table, however, needs a TON of sanding (my fav) and then needs two coats of finish. It will be nice to get them finished up, though. Yesterday I had a very productive day. I finished the chair, packed, mowed, cleaned the kitchen, went for a 4 mile run, had an amazing quiet time, took out the garbage, weeded and watered the garden and picked some more peppers (and a couple of beans), and then I went into town and picked up some pasta for supper. I'd been craving Italian. Tonight is my last free night before I go back down to SGF. Tomorrow and Thursday I work. Then I'm done for the summer. I can't believe it's almo...

This has been quite the day! I woke up at 6:30 this morning, and I went back to bed until almost 9. Then I got up and ran 6 miles. It felt good...but I still feel like I have such a long way to go before I'm ready to run a marathon. My dad ran 7 miles this morning, and I think that he should run the marathon with me instead of running the half. Then I decided that I really wanted a fruit smoothie...made with real fruit, so I started thinking about where I could get one. I decided on getting on from a place in Manhattan...KS not NYC. And I wanted to go to JCPenny's anyway, so I headed for Manhattan. I didn't get anything that I was planning on getting, except the smoothie...Mango Tango...so delicious!! However, I went into Christopher and Banks and ended up getting a skirt and top, but I was super excited because the skirt is a size 8 which I haven't fit into in years. :) God is so Good!!! He is such a wonderful guide and He knows me so well. He gets all the glory for me...